Extract from The Anile Heir ©2017.
 
I, Ysabel Jehan Howard, hereby assert and give notice of my right under s.77 of the Copyright, Design and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this book

​But Corsin had stopped.  We’d thought they might.  Not only had they stopped but they appeared to put their feet up and have a snooze.  This was because it had finally dawned on them that they didn’t have the faintest notion of exactly what they were walking into.  There is no hurry.  Let us think.  The Window worried them.  Indeed the Houses contain many ancient artefacts.  That hadn’t been what Ban-razit had meant.  He’d meant the mosaic in Vaudos, the images of which had been said to and indeed had changed while you gaped at them, in consequence of which about 400 years ago someone had a hissy fit and smashed it.  That wasn’t exactly what he’d meant either.  The wall now adorned with a few shards of mosaic together with slivers of paint and plaster had been covered by a tapestry while the House was occupied; despite the wall’s being reputed to contain a hidden entrance, it had been plastered and painted, plaster and paint that had or was reputed to have shattered in the night into crumbs.  Is this a secret passage? I hear you cry.  Well, possibly, but since repute was that no-one who entered it had ever been seen again, presumably not one of immediate use to anyone and in any case no-one had ever seen or felt for anything even dimly resembling an entrance.  From the point of view of Corsin, the sole point of Sarat’s spiel had been telling them about the Window, the rest being irritating but scarcely critical.  They realized they were going to waste time and energy locating the actual attacks in a flurry of imagery.  They too can make holograms.  The most worrying thing about the Dacunine Window was not some crazy out of it story but the simple historical fact every tour-guide thinks he or she knows: that it  is a replica of the Sun Window in the shrine at M-P (it’s not, as the use of a single brain cell would demonstrate: the Sun Window doesn’t have triptychs of Narulis running off with Brig and a panther reclining at the foot of a silver birch celebrating Hanif-Altan).  The little cunt is Fidubi.  Which bloody Window is he talking about?  Then of course there is the simple historical fact that the Cult had never gained so much as a toehold on Fidub. Sarat’s cheerful babble had made Corsin very unhappy indeed. 
 
Misa had been given some light reading, the record PANTHER had on him.  
 
“Let’s see now, incitement to mutiny – “
“All right, all right!” said Trion.
“He reacted precisely as I should have expected,” said Rewn, “which is of course why we are all here.”
“You weren’t much better!”
“You panicked.  I tried to support you.”
Trion flushed.
“Don’t do blokes who get a bit.”
“I do not. I’d go and see him if I were you.”
“That’s a change of tune!”
“That was before you behaved like a cretin.”
“Think I should tell him?”
“Everything.”
“Sound like I’m making excuses.”
“We should’ve told him, shouldn’t we.”
“I think probably we should.”
“Weren’t to know bloody Misa’d pitch up.”
 
“I said something I shouldn’t have said.”
“Yup,” said Sarat.
“I didn’t mean.”
“All the stuff it means?”
“I wouldn’t .”
“Have you given a statement?”
“No.”
“How about you give it to me?”
“Wanted to think about it.  After.  Be sure.”
“OK.”
“Telling you.  Sir.  That’s different to telling just anyone.”
“Because I’m emperor?  Some people think that.”
“But you’d still have to act on it.”
“Yes.  I think there was a certain amount of bullshit in the canteen.  Does that help?”
“Some of us are a bit scared of Vaudos.”
“Because of what I’ll find out?”
“It’s not what it looks like.”
“What does it look like?”
“We think you’re great.”
“But it looks as if you don’t?”
“Some people thought – he’s young.  Get him to do things our way.  That lasted five minutes, mind.”
“Been there, done that,” said Sarat.  “People trying to manipulate me. Suppose I said something like – how many senior officers, who are basically decent men, who looked after you, do you not want to drop in it?”
“Sounds right to me.” said Trion. 
“But there’s more?  To do with the men?”
“You know a lot of us has had – things we weren’t sure about. Girls.  Discipline.”
 “So?”
“Some of us pretended to agree to stuff.”
“Such as?”
“We wouldn’t get in the way.”
“Class?” suggested Sarat.  “Some people have families in slums, some don’t.”
“That was a lot of it.”
“But they needed PANTHER.”
“Some of them, some of us didn’t quite.”
“So there’re – there were – those who knew which end is up and a lot of people lucky enough not to. I sort of know all this already.  People say stupid things when they’re frightened.  And then again they don’t say things.  D’you think you could tell me what you’re frightened of?  Because I don’t think it’s me.”
“If it gets out.”
“You snitched?”
“You can’t stop it.  No-one can stop it.  They all know each other.  Suppose I told you Mitch had done something bad.  Not that I am, of course. Whole of Var-sega’d be on my back.”
“Who?” asked Sarat. 
“I come from a steel town.”
“Who owns it?”
“Barbantin.” 
“What’s all this got to do with Misa?”
“Ban-posilit is his partner’s cousin.”
“Ah,” said Sarat.  “But a lot of people must know that.”
 “They own everything.”
“Including you?”
“A lot of us.  Cut-price loans.  Weren’t much well by your standards but if we don’t pay.”
“You haven’t by any chance stopped paying, have you.”
“Soon as we got here.”
“You’re not going to be arrested for debt while the sharks get off.”
“It’s not like that.  Had to start paying again.  They threatened my boy, stopped his wages. Fatik had his whole family thrown on the street.”
“And you didn’t tell anyone. Because if they even got the thought that you’d said anything? You must have signed an agreement. Did you get a copy?”
Trion snorted but was too anxious to say, you some kind of idiot?
“Nah.  They just said they’d keep it safe.”
“What did  you agree to?”
“It weren’t – wasn’t that. Said we were soldiers in the Army of All-Kadun and if we joined you we was traitors.”
“Who’d hang when I lost?”
“A lot of the officers had to sign that anyway.  Without the loan, I mean.”
“And the ones who refused,”
“Ones who tried to get away.”
“Some did get away.”
“Rewn never signed nothing.”
“OK, it’s a can of shit.  I still can’t do anything till we’re in Vaudos. I still need to unravel it. Names, dates, can you and your friends do that for me.  Who gave you the agreement to sign, where, when.”
“We can do that.”
Sarat said: “How do you pay?  Electronically?”
“Yes.”
“Can you give me the details of the payee.  Then PANTHER can find where you’re paying.”
“I’m paying the bank.”
“Which bank?”
“First Reserve.”
“I’m thinking something like – OK, it looks legit, bank lends, bank gets repaid.  Squeaky clean.  Apart from who owns the bank, who got it to offer illegal loans that no-one can prove are illegal because no-one has an agreement.  Have you got your phone with you?”
“I can get it.”
“No worries, just mail me the account details.”
 
After Trion had gone, Paw said, “They’d claim the money had to be extracted by some means – that’s interesting, isn’t it.  I mean, they could have raised a stink by demanding you release these criminals for trial in Vaudos! Then it would all have unravelled.  What would have unravelled?”
“Ex-actly,” said Sarat.
“Do not tell me you don’t believe him.”
“I believe him absolutely.  I believe his case. Not sure what I believe about what else has been going on.”
“Bought outright?”
“Imperial Army revealed as gang of crooks!  That’s to their advantage.”
“Yup,” said Sarat.  “What isn’t?”
“Unless they’re going to greet you total oil.  Delighted to show you around our model steel works, sir.”
“Of course you might think it was clever or right to take the money of cunts knowing you would never ever earn it.  Sort of act of war.”
“If you were sure you could get away with not earning it.”
“I went there,” said Sarat.  “Dropping senior officers in it who are good guys.”
“And?”
“He said it sounded right.  Sir.  Which I think translates as there’s only one sir, but did not stop him being scared shitless.”
“Move over,” said Baz.  “Want another look at those emails.  I’m sure there was one….” He searched on ‘Barbantin’.
“You’d be scared if you were Trion and you’d just nailed Barbantin Steel!”
“Got it!” said Baz. “Oh grease!  Right about that anyway.  ‘A great day for Kadun, sir.  Of course I know your grandfather.  I do hope in due course that you will do me the honour of being our guest.  I am sure we have many things to discuss and such differences in perspective as we may have can be resolved like intelligent rational men’.”
“They can,” said Sarat.  “Ban-polisit?”
“Some creep called Arabuin, calls himself executive director.  Let me try something else. Search on ‘grandfather’….Jackpot!...More oil. ‘Your grandfather and I have met many times.’  ‘I had a most interesting discussion with your grandfather at the ISF.’  What’s the ISF?”
“Institute of Shithead Fucks?”
“I think it’s the  International Socio-economic Forum.”
“That one’s from Rassina Consolidates. 
“Forward them to Cho.  I’ll call him.”
“Hang on, let me try ‘Ban-varna’…Starts by calling you Ban-essa.  ‘Naturally Ban-varna and I fail to see eye to eye on many issues but you of course bring a fresh perspective…Undoubtedly the three of us can work together to resolve our differences.’ How the fuck did we miss it?”
Sarat was dialling.
“Can you talk?”
“A moment…Sarat, he occasionally remembers his old grandfather...Now.”
“I heard that!  I’m going to forward you some emails.”
“Which naturally you wish me to read instantly.”
“You’ll love them. I think I’ve missed something obvious.  Could kick myself.  The guys from steel towns.  Not sure how many yet.  They’ve been leant on – lent to, leant on, long story. I think they thought I can’t do anything because you’re best mates with Barbantin. Baz has taken another look at my Inbox. Interesting how many leaders in finance and business want to tell me they know you.”
“I’ll love them.”
“Seethe,” said Sarat.  “Can you find me Qine,” he said to B+P. “First Misa.”
 
“Your opinion of debt?” asked Sarat.
Misa sighed.
“I neither encouraged nor condemned.”
“If it makes the lives of their families a little better,” growled Baz.
“You were aware of the agreements?”
Misa looked apparently genuinely puzzled.
“But then his whole life’s an act,” growled Baz.
“I assume a schedule of repayments. I trust these are not extortionate?”
“You know Ban-polisit well?”
“I should not say well.  We have met on many occasions.”
“What did you talk about?” asked Sarat.
“Naturally the future of Kadun.”
“In what terms?”
“Clearly the Cult is to be defeated.  Empire is an excellent solution in many ways.”
“Oh it is,” said Sarat enthusiastically. 
“Of course,” said Baz, “laws made by a democratically elected Senate can always be bypassed by a word with the right people.”
“I think not,” said Sarat.  “Because certain people are going down the tubes.”
“I feel sure,” said Misa, “rational men can resolve their differences in a civilized fashion.”
“Which differences?” asked Sarat.
“You can scarcely deny you uphold the rights of capital.”
“The right to possess it is not the same as the right to use it for criminal purposes.”
“I feel sure there has been no wrong-doing.”
“This isn’t going anywhere,” said Sarat.  “Thank you, that’s all.  I’m sure we’ll talk again.”
Misa gave a puzzled frown.  Oh very good, thought Baz, but managed not to say it.
“I cannot tell you what I do not know.”
Sarat said: “I’m not yet convinced you don’t know it.”
Misa laughed.
“May I not be told what I am supposed to know?”
“Laters,” said Sarat. “Find Qine, could you please,” he said to B+P.
“You are a remarkable young man.”
“In many ways I take after my grandfather.”
Misa nodded sagely and stood to go.
 
Qine was with Warin and other mates from Sardun.
“Well now, to what do I owe?”
Baz grinned.
“It hath been implied – Sarat won’t touch the big bosses.”
“Barbantin?” asked someone.
“The very same.”
“Sodding Misa!”
Qine listened.
“Heard the like.  Pretty standard.”
“Infrastructure,” said Baz. “Granite slab.”
“About the size of it.”
“Enquiry will be mysteriously halted.”
“Particularly interested in real shit stuff,” said Baz, “like Cho is palsy-walsy with them.”
“Heard that one too,” said Qine.
“And me.”
“Straw poll.  How many people do you think think we can’t catch the big fish.  For whatever reason.”
“It’s different when you’re here.”
“Not sure I did to start with.”
“I just can’t see how.”
“If you’re in a steel town?”
“I’d guess 80-90%.”
 “How can they see how when we can’t!”
“So,” persisted Baz, “they won’t talk until they see how we can?”
“Trust.”
“I’d say everyone trusts Sarat 100%.  It just needs 200%!”
“100% is intent,” asked Baz, “200% is keeping people safe?”
“There’s a lot in that.”
“What you said,” said Baz to Qine.
“Aye,” said Qine.  “Aren’t we keeping Sarat waiting?”
Sarat meanwhile had summoned Challin and Rewn. Not unexpected, sighed Rewn.
“Never a dull moment,” said Sarat, “threatened insurrection, loans, eviction, Barbantin Steel, Ban-polisit, Misa.  And suggestion.  Lots and lots of suggestion.”
“Trion has talked to you.”
“Blood out of a stone, but yes.  The word snitch came up.
“That was brave of him.”
“It was.”
“There seemed no point,” said Rewn, “until Vaudos when you could act.”
“Not sure I follow,” said Sarat.  “If guys here are scared of what I’ll find out, wouldn’t it be useful to know that.”
“Misa,” said Challin.  “Few of them have done anything – grossly wrong.  Stopping payment was a stupidity, but understandable.”
“What it looks like,” said Sarat.  “I’ve got there. I’ve also got to – possibly considered a public service to take the Cult’s money on the understanding one would do X when one had no intention of doing X.  Though not how one would get away with not doing X.  Until they were here of course.”
“No-one thinks you can be bought.”
“One of my many advantages,” said Sarat.  “I am still missing something.  They think the cards will be stacked against them?”
“They know the cards will be stacked against them.”
“So the picture I’m getting – everything was more or less fine, it could wait – then Misa pitched up and people panicked.  Because of what he’ll tell me?”
“They wanted – we wanted – to make clear he is a complete cunt.”
“OhIsee,” said Sarat.  “They – you – thought he’d come to negotiate on behalf of.”  You have mail.  “Excuse me a minute, please.  Expecting…”
Cho: I think caustic soda. I’ll talk to the Press in the morning.
You have mail.
Trion; This is everything I’ve got…
“Sorry again,” said Sarat and forwarded Trion’s mail to Faun with a short note.  “Where were we?”
 “Lists,” said Paw lazily. “We do lists. Housekeepers to the Anile throne.  Seven of them, diligently compiled from field experience, not heard it from who heard it from.  Officers of and above colonel. 1) Squeaky clean and all change.  2) Squeaky clean and ‘socially conservative opinion’.. 3) Obviously empire but. Big diff between 2 and 3 by the way. 2 is principle, 2 is argument, 2 is context. 2 is individuals.  A man may consider an individual female his intellectual and emotional equal and still find certain occupations inappropriate for women.  3 is keeping power, status and money, the whole status quo. There’s a whole lot we all know. One is the licit heir. One is Var-sega’. Naturally one is concerned for those in poverty but one will of course understand. Etc. 4) Playing both ends.  Go where the power is.  Keep the pussies sweet. Keep Azt sweet.  4.5) – “ Sarat sighed.  “4.5) Can’t stand anything about you but anything is better than the Cult.  At least temporarily.  Would plot counter-revolution if they thought they had a hope in hell. 4.75) Enthusiastic assistance to the enemy.  5) Total screaming cunts. Our problem with all this basically is that Misa is 4 not 5.  Cock-sucker, sure, but he kept it in the Army.  For instance.  Shooting them was kinder than handing them over to Corsin. Others who would have.  Others who did.  Who is this Salbatin?  we asked ourselves.  Not immediately on our radar. Did a bit of digging. Reputation: genial moron.”
Rewn laughed.
“Family man.  Loves his children and his dogs.  Not a political thought in his small brain.”
“Or of course very clever.  Or of course very frightened.  Most of the 4s by the way got dead. Found themselves in situations where they had to pick a side and got deaded by the other side.  So Misa was clever, got himself where there’s only one side.  Not sure what that means.”
“As described, a total cunt.”
“You have evidence to the contrary?” challenged Challin.
“Actually yes. As you probably know or can work out if you don’t, no long-term cats in Cult areas.  They wouldn’t have to do anything suspicious, just be picked up mentally.  Visits are different, spraying. After you got out we paid a call.  Corsin of course was hissy-fit but we thought Misa was pretty good.  Insisted on the chain of command – “
“Why did Corsin go along with it?” broke in Sarat.
“Of course sometimes they don’t and everyone knows that sometimes they won’t and examples will be made.  Mostly they do because it helps them.  Some farts are impressed by it. Even Corsin are human – let me take back that word.  Mortal, can be stopped by a bullet.  Last thing they want is the whole army in open revolt. Numbers game.  If all the guys in the Third Army opened fire, a lot of them would suffer horrible deaths but in the end there’d be no Corsin.”
“Exactly my point,” said Challin.   “Acceptance.”
“That goes back to what Sarat said in the canteen,” said Paw.  “Materially assisting the enemy.  Where d’you draw the line.  Guys scared out of their wits.  Is any one person going to believe that everyone would shoot?  Anyhow, so far as we could determine, no-one was handed over to Corsin.  Of course that might not be true but there’s more.  Determined by the vibe by the way, we’ve seen it before, a sort of shudder goes through guys when they know what’s happening to a mate.  More.    He knows someone has defo feline politics, feline friends and hasn’t betrayed her.  ‘Course that might be because she’s his daughter.”
“Astounded, frankly,” said Rewn.
“Of course she hasn’t seen much of Daddy recently but when she did – she’s in Var-sega’ – he chatted freely in front of her. Sarat tried to encourage him to talk about Balbantin.  A more perfect 4 I cannot imagine.”
“When a couple of things have been said,” said Sarat, “that may change.  Where we’re at, so far as we know. My guess, total guess, would be he can put Ban-polisit in the dock. Being a grubby little monkey is still not being a creature from the pit.  I think you want Misa to pay for Barbantin because you can get at him. I don’t just mean because he’s pitched up.  I think guys are scared I’ll make trouble in Vaudos and they, their families’ll be the ones to suffer because the sharks’ll get off. Not a lot of people are convinced I can get Balbantin.  Show you something. On my screen.”  Challin and Rewn got up to look.  “How much of this total bollocks is in circulation?  Cho wouldn’t give him the time of day.”
Challin laughed.
“Oh dear,” said Rewn.
“’All know each other, don’t they’.  You do of course understand they are vulnerable to believing things will be settled far from any slum or plant.”
“I do of course understand.  But there’re several like it and why am I getting their crap? Am I supposed to be vulnerable to? Oh, of course.  I’m the public face of Sohenoil and won’t cross Cho, get ideas of my own – they believe that?”
“I have heard the word ‘puppet’,” said Rewn.
“Just a gentle reminder,” mused Paw.
“Friendly warning wrapped in engine oil?”
“Do they think I can’t talk to Cho?”
“I think perhaps,” said Challin.  “At root they find the whole thing incomprehensible.  But they understand power and money so these must surely lie at the heart,”
“I am sure you are aware in principle,” said Rewn.  “Theirs is a society in which young men are generally regarded as subordinate to older male relatives.”
“Especially rich ones?  Cho would strip my assets!”
“I should say,” said Rewn, “it is pretty much given in some circles that you will not cross your grandfather.”
“Defeating the Cult isn’t contrary to the interests of capital.”
“The evidence,” said Paw, “is all a bit far away and distant, isn’t it.  Forty years of hell-raising in Fidub!”
Qine and Baz arrived.;’
“Fill you in later,” said Sarat.  “Cho’s stayed away for two reasons.  One is insinuations I need my hand held.  One is the possibility of people trying to play us off against each other.  Disastrous if he pitched up now, look as if he’d come to smooth things over. That’s a pity because I’d like him to talk to Misa.  There may be a limit to the extent I can send my problems to Fidub!  Does sex come into this?”   People looked startled.  “I mean – I was thinking.  Couple of things. There’s an old belief – maybe it’s not so old, Trion had it.  You can tell the emperor things you wouldn’t tell anyone else.  But Maya and I don’t exactly have endless hours for every sad story right now. I wondered about my mum, Baya. Only if there’s a sexual dimension they probably wouldn’t speak to a woman.”
“All my information is that this is purely economic.  I think they would speak to your mother.”
“Perhaps also an element of curiosity,” observed Challin.
“I’ll call her.”
 He dialled, then flipped the loudspeaker on.
“Mum.”
“Darling!  Lovely to hear your dulcet tones.  Of course the world does nothing else.”
“Are you free to visit the soaking muddy pastures of Carlin?”
“Consumed with curiosity.”
“I have a mess.  Long story.  Some of the guys have done unbright things with money. Might want to talk confidentially. It’s all mixed up with capital, the bastards in Barbantin.  Cho’s going to say something publicly in the morning.”
“Oh dear. Yes, of course, darling.  Tell them about the hamsters.”
“I’ll risk it.”
“I’ll talk to Vax, get a ride.”
“Brill, thank you.”
“Love love love. See ya later!”
“Love love love.”
Sarat cut the call.
“My fingers itch to call Ban-polisit.  I contain myself.”
“More than one kind of war,” said Qine.
“Two wars,” said Sarat.  “They want me to defeat the Cult.  Knew that already too.”
“Nothing they’re doing, any rate nothing we know they’re doing, gets in the way of that,” said Paw.
“What you said,” said Sarat, “about if everyone shoots.  I’m missing something and it’s obvious! No, got it.  It’s the same reasoning but it’s different.  Sorry, I’m being obscure!  If all the workers took over the factories.  Even if they all wanted to, they wouldn’t because they couldn’t be sure that everyone will.  But once the infrastructure has changed – Qine, d’you want to scare the worm-infested shit out of them?”
“Sounds the sort of thing I could put me mind to.”
 
Cho, proud wearer of the T-shirt, invited in press-fiends.
“Cho…Not sure the former leader of the Senate!”
“Damn that, my chair... Sarat searched his Inbox on ‘grandfather’ and ‘Ban-varna’ after talking to some of his guys.  ‘Of course I know your grandfather’ is a good line from a bad comedy. It seems that certain  Kadun industrialists have been spreading vile and ridiculous nonsense concerning their relationship with me, with the clear intent of indicating that their activities are untouchable by the empire.  We all of us know who are the thugs, the criminals, the murderers, the exploiters of the poor.  Certainly I have met these creatures. There is no-one who is above the law, beyond the reach of the law.  That is fundamental. I should wish to be exact about what we’re talking about.  Capital will side with capital.  It won’t.  Accommodation will be reached far from the dirt and noise of the slums.  It won’t.  A few trials of little guys but the big fish will remain untouched.  They won’t.  It is easy to frighten people far from the protection of either law or public exposure.  We don’t do frightened people.”
 
Get them, Cho, just get them.
 
“You’ve all heard Cho.  More than one war here.  This is my mum, Baya.  As I’m hearing things, there’s maybe stuff guys would like to share before we enter Vaudos, stuff it would be good for me to know beforehand rather than in the heat of the moment.  Stuff people only feel safe sharing with me or a member of my family. Maya and I are a bit busy right now – who isn’t!  Anyone who thinks it’s important to talk, Baya has kindly offered to be a willing ear.”
“Absolutely,” said Baya.  “Just tell a cat if you want to see me.”
“Qine from CLIK has a few words to say.”
“Can’t tell everyone everything at once,” said Qine, “so maybe we’ve been a bit tardy and maybe not.  We in CLIK are organized to sort certain things in the cities, with the help of you lads in the Army.  There’s some as’ll say there are – fault lines there, and I’d not deny it for a minute.  Some of us aren’t altogether imperial and some in uniform don’t like the workers getting above themselves.  You could say we’ll keep each other in check and leave it at that, but it’s more than that. Most in uniform are workers and I’d say 90% of us are firmly on the same side here.  Some  as’ll say that’s rubbish, you can be sure, but who don’t want things to be better. Then there’s some as’ll sneer, CLIK’s sold out, bought by the bosses.  I have heard the word poodle.  Anyone wants to talk me, I’m usually to be found over with my mates in Sardun. It’s been a rough war we’ve had together and I want to say this, live with, fight with folk from many different backgrounds, that changes your mind, least on some things.   You hear CLIK’s sold out, you look at who’s saying it, whether he spend the war safe in Ciletij maybe.  I’ll say no more on that front.  You decide for yourselves.
“Our Sarat has clearly stated that he has no problem with self-ownership, ownership by the workers of the means of production.  What he won’t do, which of course  is where he differs from some of us comrades, is have businesses taken over by the State.  If lads and lasses think they can run a place better themselves, they’ll get full backing, right to the top, and help too, with for instance the legal side cos the present owners battening on the poor aren’t going to like it one bit, but then maybe the present owners will have other problems, like being in the dock for a range of criminal activities.  Then of course there’s our good friends the Press, hammering on the doors of a few mansions I wouldn’t doubt.
“Not everyone listening is a good comrade, so I’m thinking I need to say a bit more here. You might say isn’t that theft, what about the rights of property?  A right to buy doesn’t mean the owner has to sell. Couple of things there.  One is of course what’s in not selling for you, you have to pay higher wages, bring the place up to scratch, cut your losses.  To go back to those criminal activities I mentioned, it is not thought justice that some…creep serves his time then retires to his ill-gotteen gains, just as thought nowt had happened.  It is indeed not thought particularly useful to keep creeps behind bars.  Sentencing is to be fining in proportion to the offence and the ability to pay.  I have heard up to 95% on the grounds that 5% of what some people have most folk could live comfortable for 20 years. Depending on the gravity of the offence, such felons are debarred for life from owning any concern employing people, but such concerns are not requisitioned, oh no, one must respect the rights of property. As I understand it, work should not intrude, make demands other than those of the job. It should not of course make yer sick, lung disease the price of your pay-packet.  It should not demand you attend rallies and the like or suffer for it. Or of course accept criminal conduct, say nowt.  Any reasonable offer has to be accepted. I understand by the way that in the south if you mistreat an animal, whether pet or stock, you get banned from keeping our fourfooted friends. Seems only reasonable to my mind to apply the same reasoning to humans.
So all in all life’s going to get quite interesting, specially for them as think no-one can touch them.”
 
Steady trickle, said Baya.  A lot of them are spokesmen, group of us, all got the same story, don’t want to waste yer time one by one. They do think an awful lot of you, you know.  Don’t let it go to your head.
Yes, mum, said Sarat.
I tell them about the zoo.  Good warm-up.  Always have a dog at home. My kid’d love to have a pet. The real juice comes from the officers. Ban-polisit seems to think he’s the emperor’s steward.  Lovely place in the country.  He looks forward to entertaining Cho.
Aw, not little me.
Lethal garbage.  I’m sure Cho will find him frightfully entertaining.
Do they actually believe it?  Is it inconceivable to them?
They can be ruined?  I suspect probably.
 
Sarat spilled some coffee and took the last two tissues from the box, then reached for more.  Empty. Damn!
“You use the last one, lad, you go down to the village to get more.”
Would he get it?  Lad were brought up proper.  Elements of proper have been revealed.
“Homework,” said Sarat sadly.  “Do a swap with Zik, clean out the donkey for her.”
Some people looked a bit puzzled.
“They turned that house into a zoo,” said Baz, “they were the keepers.  Had to sort out the jobs between them.”
“Did they do the washing-up?” asked Qine.
“Tell you how it worked,” said Baz.  “Cubs, that’s baby panthers, trainees, they did the basic running, right, buying tissues, vacuuming, clean the bath, make it nice for Baya and Essa. Responsible for supplies. If in normal usage by sensible people we ran out of loo paper then cubs had to zip to the Megamart. Since we only train people who can count that hardly ever happens. Then someone used two rolls of kitchen towel looking after rabbits with the squits and he and his mate Petrush had to do the zipping. You have to distinguish between when they were all little. Baya and Essa did the cooking.  Dishwasher did the washing-up. Nice little family meals, everything organized. Then it got manic. You’ve got four of them between 9 and 18, 6 with Mel and Hass in the summer, all permanently ravening, all helping themselves to food.  You can imagine what that did to any fine sensible keeping track of supplies. Baya and Essa like cooking.  When they go into their kitchen to cook, they don’t want to find the locusts have stripped the place.  By the time Sarat’s 14, Essa has had enough. They can have and stock their own larder, own fridge.  Do not touch the main store! Well, maybe a couple of grains of pepper. They cooked, they cleaned up after themselves. Or someone got a bollocking. Didn’t he.  Someone just hadn’t had time cos he had to go to a NoZone meeting and he was talking.  He’s good at that. So’s Essa.  You have a phone? You are capable of utterance?”
Sarat pushed his hair back, choking with laughter.
“Can’t say I didn’t learn.  That’s when I learned.  You speak if you haven’t got time. Do a job swap with your sister.”
“Kids made a mess on the spotless carpet. they cleaned it up.  They got covered in donkey shit, they ran the washing-machine.  They emptied it, put it to dry. Not to mention cleaned the shower.  Essa and I quote wanted no snail-trails of his mad children cris-crossing the place.”
“Spoor,” corrected Paw.
“That was another time.”
“How all boys are brought up in Fidub, I take it. There’s many a family in Kadun, rich or poor – lad has summat to do – if it int servants, it’ll be his mum or his sister, just assumed boys are more important, girls’ll run around after them.”
That was an electric current moment.
“Boys are going to be brought up differently,” said Sarat.
 
“And that, really,” said Munzi, “is what it’s all about.  All the Cult shit, southern decadence striking at the core of the home!  Stupid of me, didn’t realize.
“Some people,” said Varulin, “are going to have to learn to wash up.”
“I can wash up,” protested Ritawa.
“You, my son, have the wonderful Spetzi.”
Munzi laughed.
“I really do not see Spetz donning the rubber gloves while you put your feet up.”
“We do have help but we quite often look after ourselves and as you say.”
“Don’t well-off folk like you have dishwashers?”
“Embarrassing question,” said Munzi after a moment.
“Meaning there’s an underclass you can pay to dishwash.”
“And don’t trouble to help with a dishwasher!” snapped Munzi. “Sorry. It’s us I’m angry at, not you.”
“At least you’ve been in the kitchen and know if there’s a dishwasher.”
“Take out stuff left on the table,” said Munzi.  “Get a glass of water!”
“Spetz offered,” said Ritawa.  “Piva – that’s the lady who does – didn’t see the point just for mostly one of her.”
“Reasonable,” allowed Varulin. “How long does it take to wash a dish? You have a party for 20 and being nice people I take it you get someone in to help Piva.”
“I’m not sure any of this is the point,” said Ritawa and stopped.
“We wait with bated breath.”
“Something like self-reliance, but we’re all self-reliant, apart from the obvious dodos.”
Varulin chuckled.
“If I understand you, there are no kitchen-fairies.  What my ma calls them.”
Munzi gave a snort of laughter.
“Absolutely.  Kitchen-fairies do not put bread in the bread-bin.  Bathroom-fairies do not replace the lavatory paper.  Kitchen-fairies do not exist.”
 
“What I think,” said Qine, “and as you all know this goes against everything I believe – only one person as can get away with this.”
Even Saban laughed.
“Not even Mitch?” teased Warin.
“Sideline him.  That granite slab of his, sometimes it’s not above us, it’s a wall facing us, if you get my meaning.”
“Only too well!” said one of the women.  “You must know a load more working-class families than I do – I’m not sensing positivity here.”
“More than one way of taking away privilege,” said Qine.  “Sideways.”
 
As you well know, typed Cari to Qine, it’s just as true among some of the comrades.
Glad I’m single, typed back Qine. 
Cari thought she’d take matters further.
“First item on the agenda is housework.”
Stands to reason blokes do the heavy stuff.
Laundry’s heavy, said Cari, when you haven’t got a washing-machine.  Ever lifted wet sheets?
Do all the repairs, painting.
All right, reckon they’d employ someone for that.  I still want to know if you do the washing-up.
Wouldn’t know how to, scoffed Bramis, a single female comrade.  Think girls can’t push a paintbrush, do you.
Mart’s mending a plug and I’m washing nappies?  That’s stupid.
What’s stupid about it? asked Cari.
 
Someone remembered the Mel cartoon.  Sparkling kitchen with fat black pawprints on the floor, a pile of dirty dishes, an open tin.  Guilty-looking panther cub inset with poster proclaiming save the trees.  Another cartoon was simply a book, Troublesome Teens: An Expert’s Guide by Essa ban-choit.
 
“Sarat did not even load the dishwasher?" said Karula.  “I am shocked.”
“I am sure Baya is treating them as though they were her own.”
Baya had said, they’re all fine, brown, water-babies, missing you loads of course.  Of the conduct of Mitch’s brood she said nothing but then, reasoned Mitch, she wouldn’t.
“Unless of course it were so appalling she wished them removed to a secure institution.”
 
“Dill too,” said Karula merrily, “can be a little erratic.”
“Yes,” said Baya. 
“We are strong,” said Mitch.  “We can take it.”
 “She has never said anything?”
“Actually no,” said Karula.  “Dill is not backward – “ Mitch and Baya choked.  “I mean retiring, does not resist expressing herself!  We feel real at home here.  I have to say I gulped.”
“We may nonetheless have installed the rudiments,” suggested Mitch.  “She is a guest.   We should not approve.”
“Cleaning up after colouring her hair. And her towel.”
“What colour!” hissed Karula. Yup, you can hiss words without an ‘s’ in them.
“She sent us pix to start with,” said Mitch.  “Naturally we did not think.”
“Dark blue.  I have to say it suits her.”
“Not too far removed,” allowed Karula.  From Dill’s natural nearly black. An appalling thought struck her.  “She did not strip her natural colour first?”
“I think I shall just text…” said Mitch. “Selfies, if you please.”
“No.  Say rather blue shadows, glints in the sunlight. Strong dye!  Mostly it was because she hadn’t the faintest how to get it off. Shav tried rainbow highlights or we probably shouldn’t have known either.  Vinegar and washing-up liquid, nothing dangerous.  She decided it was real interesting chemistry. After that we got why do they not teach us these useful things in school.”
“That’s my girl,” said Mitch. 
“Go to Fidub, learn new skills. Any other excitements?”
“She thinks Amida is fantabulously cool and wants to be like her when she grows up.”
“I can think of no better role model.  What’s the downside?”
“She simply would not depart.  Grown-up stuff, we said. Shoo, read, chat to the cats. If you ask them very nicely, they’ll take you for a walk along the dunes.  She absolutely adores that at night, says all the reeds whisper to each other, it’s like something out of a fairy-story. She would not be swayed.”
“Now that she mentioned, positively poetic.”
 “I think I can script this! How can I learn if I am banished?”
“More,” said Baya, “much more. You will not let me go to Carlin and meet Sarat.  How crazy is that? You will not even let me go to Var-sega’ to stay with Heela and Kyle.  Is that not an infringement of my rights?  Deny it if you dare, murmured Cho, loving every minute. You have to be kind of the emperor too, right. Do I not have the right to appeal to you?  First of all, how can I learn to be the emperor’s steward if I am deprived of the emperor’s company? Cho said that sounded to him like a daytime conversation.  How about he took her out for the afternoon and they could discuss it then? Where would she like to go?  See the dolphins!  The dolphins it shall be. He got out his phone and made a date.  Now bed.  I’m going I’m going thank you.”
“She told us about the dolphins,” said Karula.  “How kind! we thought.  Of course he’s used to kids.  I guess that was a private conversation.”
Mitch grinned.
“Which does not for a moment stop me yearning to know its content.  I am sure she’ll tell us when she’s ready.  Right now, the not so little brain is engaged in digestion.”
“That of course,” said Baya. “The cats noticed it first.  Say something to her, a week later she comes back at you, having decided it just does not compute.”
 
Wanted it to be a surprise, typed Dill.  We’ve made you presents for your birthday.  No-one tells us anything!  If we’d known Baya was coming.  Well, you and Mom.  You don’t mind sharing your birthday do you.
Not at all!  Can they be posted?
 
A cat was going into M-P and offered to post the package.
“Didn’t want to break their little hearts but is the address label OK?”
The counter-clerk giggled.
“I don’t think there can be any doubt who it’s for and where he is.”
It was a large box and the label covered most of one side.
TO (red feathered arrows) darling Daddy, also known as Micheal ban-sarndit-vaq, my future lord Var-sega
IN An acutely boring field (tufts of grass and two sad-looking cows with YAWN! written several times in curlicew script.
WITH The Imperial Army (cool, sleek, elegant, effective and dangerous. fat black paw-prints)
LOCATION CARLIN on the east side of IMPERIAL KADUN (imperial flag)
FROM His adoring children languishing in Fidub (Sarat knows the address)
 
“Special delivery here.  Someone got adoring children languishing in Fidub?”
“Sarat knows the address.”
“Guilty!” said Mitch.
“What on – you mean it got here!”
“Thank you,” said Mitch.
“Open it, then!”
“Carefully,” said Karula.  “Don’t tear the label.”
Inside the huge box were one flat package, a rectangle that felt like a book, two shoe boxes, and a soft parcel resisting revelation by squeezing. Qirl had made a collage of bits of simple beach souvenirs, the plastic petals of toy windmills, a bit of shrimp-net, a fragment of rubber ring (wonder what happened to that?), sand carefully stuck on and sprayed with sparkle, shells and dried seaweed against a background of golden sand and foaming dark green ocean (probably pinched from the Grid), three tiny lilos stuck on the sand on which rested three scarlet prawns (I hope not, said Karula.  Dill at least is dark like Mitch and would not burn, but our other two). Mitch gazed on two pairs of combat boots, one dyed fluorescent yellow, the other fluorescent orange, then decorated with tiger stripes, T-shirts of the same yellow and orange emblazoned with the arms of Var-sega’ and WE DO INFLAMMATORY and matching jewelled flip-flops. 
There was no card only a sheet of heavy orange paper (is orange in? asked Karula). HAPPY BIRTHDAY darling Daddy, with all our loves and zillions of hugs and kisses.  Qirl did the picture (well, I helped a bit), the flip-flops are for when you rest, Bari did the stripes and stuck the glitter-bugs on and of course Bari found THE BOOK.  On a stall in the market.  We know you’ll love it.  Every word of it is screaming you know what. 
Mitch fondly caressed his very own copy of A Guide to the House at Var-Segan. 
 
Baya said: “One or two of them only really want to talk to you.”
Sarat sighed.
“Because I’m male?”
“No, darling, because you are the emperor.” She grinned wickedly.  “Call it a silver thread.  The emperor’s peace.  Throw myself on the emperor’s mercy.”
“It’s 600 years!  How can it have all survived?”
“They can read.”
Sarat sighed again.
“And what did everyone do at the word ‘empire’.”
“The staying Sarat clause?”
“I will not be this creature of myth and legend the Anile emperor.”
“I don’t think they actually expect you to ride a grey stallion through the streets of Azt.”
“Oh I don’t know, I could do that!”
“I’ve booked a couple of guys time to see you.  Call me the gate-keeper.  I think you’ll be gripped.”